Today has been a nothing day. Again, didn’t hear from my “business partner”. Each time I give him a chance, he disappoints, and then somehow, redeems himself and I follow again. Having furniture and other things of value at the shop eats at me and I have to get it out of there. I fear what the landlord is going to do but I can’t pay them up to date or pay them to terminate the lease. This owning my own business thing has caused me so much angst but for completely different reasons than most.
All these unanswered questions scare me. Will they change the locks before I get my things out? Is leaving the big furniture better than trying to get it out? Will Tyler get his things out? What kind of job am I going to get if I can’t seem to hold one? Even the thought of going on an interview scares the shit out of me. I suck at faking my moods and I know I don’t leave a good impression.
Today, I stayed in bed till…now I don’t remember. I got up and ate I think, maybe not. Got online for a bit, tried to find a funny movie to watch but couldn’t, then went back to bed. I fell asleep again and hubby woke me up at around 2. I stayed up till he went to his night shift then went back to bed at around 4. I got up around 6 and ate dinner. I surfed, tried to buy some Xmas presents and spent a frustrating hour on Quibids.
I keep spacing off while doing something and when my mind wanders, I get extremely anxious. I do not want to do anything creative, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to think, eat, work, talk…be. Living is exhausting. Tomorrow, if I feel better, I will forget how bad today was. I hope I’m better tomorrow.